A Poll on Defriendings and Disagreements

[dolorous_ett]

It's that time of year again. Strong opinions are being voiced. People are making angry posts - and popping up in other people's journals to make angry comments. Defriending is in the air.[Poll #1191642][Poll #1191642]  ETA: Thank you for all your enlightening comments! I will reply to all as soon as current RL work crisis is resolved.

Comments

[lareinenoire.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I always saw LJ as a massive network for communication purposes, and I expect to disagree with people here and there. There are things that I find absolutely offensive (see above) and will not tolerate, but for the most part, I find other people's opinions genuinely interesting and would like to hear how they came to acquire them.

[white_hart]

I've defriended a few people recently because I found I really wasn't interested in what they were writing about any more - mostly people who I originally friended because of a shared interest that one of us had moved away from. I don't think I've ever defriended anyone purely because I disagreed with their opinions, but I would probably defriend anyone who was regularly openly misogynistic, racist or homophobic.

There are plenty of people on my FL whose opinions I disagree with, but, with the caveats mentioned above, I will respect their opinions so long as they respect mine. It seems to work OK.

I cannot imagine, really, NOT having disagreements in opinion.

[wemyss.livejournal.com]

They are inevitable, important, and, properly handled, quite good fun.

I cannot imagine tolerating anti-Semitism on the old j, but I equally cannot imagine encountering it amongst my friends.

[cesario.livejournal.com]

I don't require a person to agree with me in every respect, but I require they not be resistant to dialogue if I feel like challenging a belief I don't agree with. My friend-of list is large enough that I'm constantly getting friended and defriended by new people, and I'll trim people from my flist, not just for being idiots, but just for being persistently uninteresting. :) I am perhaps a bit cold blooded about it all.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

I have never actually defriended anybody, but I've thought about it (and may yet do it). I don't know. I have a really strong, gut-level distaste for defriending people for their opinions, rather than their behavior. But at the same time, I consider some of the views this person has expressed to be outright bigoted, and I'm not sure I like being in the position of condoning them, even passively. (I'm talking real-world political posts here, not fandom ones-- I think it would be rather silly to defriend someone over a difference of fandom opinion.)

There are a few people who have friended me whom I haven't friended back, but mostly because their journals are totally blank and I can't ascertain for sure that they're not one of my students.

[tunxeh.livejournal.com]

I think it would be rather silly to defriend someone over a difference of fandom opinion.

If they're persistently posting stuff you find annoying about a fandom you care about, why not? You're not obligated to continue to tolerate their annoyance just to avoid being mean to them.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

I guess I can't see myself getting that annoyed over a fandom post? The only circumstances where I could imagine that happening would involve, say, someone expressing virulently misogynistic attitudes toward any and all female characters, and that might shade into real-life political territory anyway.

Mostly, I don't read posts that I know are going to annoy me.

[erised1810.livejournal.com]

oh m gyod, notthat 'i won't pla ywith yo uany more' season again....it does make one feel somewhat insecure does it? as soo nas someone woudl say 'comment if yo uwant t o stay' i wsa like, almsot feelign lie kavoyeur for stil wanting ot watch someoen's life. so i always said somethign liek 'if you're skimming me because other journals are more important it's fine by me.' i mean i'm not forcing anyoen to read my blathery stuff, it's half the time full of blatanttypos anyway *shuffles feet*
this is tricky though. i'm lookign mroe at how osmeone comes across to me than how the yfeel about oen thign or another. i mean your'ej just cool and that's more importantto me than how you'd feel about the chinese regime or the tibet-thing or the education system and so forth. If I ever become atranslator we might go about it completely different ways butthat's jsut a sub-plot you know. i'd start to doubt if someone's itnerest get to completely differ from mine, or if they lok down on me for not reading slash (liek someone did) or if they squeal over the newest rape-fic (which someone else did). and that's what i meant with repugnant opinions.

[lazy-neutrino.livejournal.com]

People have defriended me because I'm not what they were looking for, and I think I have reciprocated. It's never been, as far as I know, due to a difference of opinion.

I've never defriended someone first. If they're happy to be there, I'm happy to have them. I don't expect that we will always agree.

I prefer to keep contentious opinions out of my LJ, as it's where I go to relax, and I might defriend someone who refused to respect that, but I've been pretty lucky in my flist so far.

[aella_irene]

My defriending-in-the-heat-of-the-moment was the result of discovering that someone, who I already found deeply creepy, was quite possibly a man, (s/he was representing themselves as an aged grandmother in Wales). I was revolted, and a bit scared, and defriended and banset them the second I had talked to my mother about it.

[ignipes.livejournal.com]

Your list doesn't actually include the most common reason I've defriended people/they've defriended me, and that's simply changing interests and fandoms leading us to drift apart. But I've defriended people for all kinds of reasons, and people defriend me all the time. Usually it's people I don't know and who have never said a word to me, so I assume it's because I'm not talking about the things they want to hear about anymore, and that's fine. That's usually why I defriend people too--I'm not interested enough to be reading their journal anymore. (Then again, I've also defriended people for posting annoying images outside an LJ-cut, so sometimes I'm a bit rash about it.)

It isn't so much opinions that bother me, but the behavior associated with them. And what the beliefs are about, I guess--I can handle a lot of differences about a lot of things, but not bigotry and intolerance.

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

First off, an flist is a work in progress. All the time. I don't expect people to eternally want to read me, and don't expect to follow every fashion on my flist, either. Dr Who leaves me cold. Ditto spn, Twilight etc. Given that I rabbit on mostly about an interest that most doubtlessly find tedious, it's a fair exchange.

Lots of people friended me for Potter fandom, which I'm virtually out of owing to dying interest in completed canon, and dead interest in fanfiction. They may chose to drop me; it's fair I'm not what they signed up for, if you like.

On opinions, the only reasons I've defriended are as follows:

1. People harrassing members of my flist on my journal.

2. Reactively. If someone wants to defriend me, fine, but it's unlikely I want that person to be privy to my mindblowingly dull personal posts.

3. Violent anti-JKR wankage and whinge. Generally, those who side with SVA and (this next bit is important) with whom I have no other interraction, or those who haven't moved on from DH and are still spouting utter claptrap about it (and this next bit is also important) and nothing else, will be defriended. Anyone who spouts nonsense about book seven on a post on my journal will initially be dogpiled and for a second offence, will be chucked out.

4. Generally, if someone utters an opinion I don't agree with, I just move on. Though I'm uncomfortable with hate speech. I'm lucky in that no one on my flist seems to peddle it.

5. Anyone who comes and tells me what to say or think.

6. Anyone I ever for a moment suspect is connected to the wankage and spite I had to endure in August 2005. I have no intention of ever forgetting that.

.....

Apart from all that, I'm chilly. If someone annoys me, it's only the internet, and I go off and read a book, or write a story. Or open a bottle of red.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

I do wish it wasn't called "Friending"; makes the business far too emotive/personal!

I keep my Flist fairly small for the sake of scrolling through - there are plenty of journals I read regularly that I don't have Flisted. And I don't expect people whose LJs I am interested in reading necessarily to have an interest in reading mine. I assume (first!) that anyone who defriends me is similarly policing their online habits, or just not interested in what I'm posting at that time.

Nor do I inhabit LJ primarily for the Heated Debate. I will comment on Heated Debate posts that other people write, but (in general) I don't come to LJ for that. I can find that sort of activity quite stressful, and am not that good at engaging only in the rhetorical flourishes and not feeling it personally. So I prefer not to spark it off.

I have defriended one person over posts they were making at the time purely for the sake of my blood pressure when reading my Flist; I didn't want to deal with feeling "Someone is WRONG on the internet" when that wasn't what I had come to the internet for. I still read their journal - just when that's what I want to do.

Re. privacy, at some point I should probably explore filters. However at the moment "I can't be bothered" ranks higher as a motivator.

[aragon-san.livejournal.com]

If you have defriended somebody, it was...
Where's the answer "our (fandom) interests drifted apart"? That is my usual defriending reason - if one can use "usual" for the 2 or 3 defriendings I did.

I have a mostly shared fandoms flist from my side. From the other side I noticed that lately I primarily pick up persons who agree with my postings in various discussions/communities. (I've expressed some rather minority views on a few fandom-boards, knowing I might getting flamed in some of the more, uh, volatile environments like H/W but unwilling to leave the ground entirely to the rabid "they're CANON and can't be viewed other!shippers" ^_^ Only to get agreement and friendings from people saying they were scared of voicing similar views due to the flaming-potential - but no more after someone else did the first step.)

I would also defriend someone for to me deeply repulsive behaviour: if someone outed themselves as racist, paedophilic, misogynistic or homophobic, or if they were a religious fanatic (of any coleur).
Or if they'd be consistently rude or hysterical in their posts since my tolerance for dramatics is fairly low. I don't want the online equivalent of a trash-talk show cropping up on my reading list ^_^

[ms-wanderlust.livejournal.com]

I don't have a problem with people having different opinions to mine. I mean, what's life if you only mix with people you agree with? How do you learn, grown, gain understanding? I wouldn't tolerate intolerance or hatred of different people groups or beliefs, personal abuse or religious hatred. I don't mind people not sharing my beliefs, or challenging them, but I wouldn't tolerate abuse of my beliefs (or those of others) simply in order to be offensive.

[snorkackcatcher]

I think the only times I've actually really defriended someone were because they had defriended me sometime previously, or their journals were defunct. There are a few people I might trim for lack of interest, but not many. Conversely, I've only once not friended someone back (with the exception of watcher journals), and that was because I took a look at their journal and found some political opinions I knew I was going to violently disagree with (might possibly be the same person a_t_rain was referring to) and I didn't need the hassle.

[dbassassin.livejournal.com]

It's funny, but most of the people I've defriended are people who friended me first out of the blue and then proceeded to refuse to have any kind of interaction with me. I find other people's friending behaviour strange at times.

In cases where I was the person responsible for the pre-emptive strike (so to say), it was almost always because of behaviour, rather than opinions. I expect to have differences of opinion with on-line friends, just as I do with in-person ones. For me, problems arise when some people decide they're "above" adult behaviour when their "friend of" list exceeds a certain number.

In terms of what opinions I would consider beyond the pale... I don't know. I think most of the people on my flist are pretty sane. Any problems arising would more likely come from my direction, I think. But then, I keep my more objectionable opinions to myself.

Except opinions about fandom. Those I don't hold back on. But then, it's not like fandom really matters anyway (oops! there goes one now! *g*).

[fungus-files.livejournal.com]

My flist is now about the right size for the amount of time I can spend on LJ and feel that I'm connecting with people and their thoughts. I've also trimmed my comms memberships way down. I guess when I used to be more interested in HP and its meta, I had a bunch more ppl/comms listed but, as others have said above, my prime reason for defriending is drifting interests or dwindling connection.

And that last little box is WAY too small: I've never defriended someone for what they posted/thought on issues, etc. Whether that was because I'd selected specific kinds of folk to friend in the first place...who knows? I probably wouldn't enjoy having someone on the flist with whom I often and violently disagreed, but agreeing to disagree works most of the time in the situations I've been in (not v. exciting ones in comparison with the grander wankyworld that can be fandom).

[katyhasclogs.livejournal.com]

For me the issue would be less about the opinions themselves but more to do with the extent that the person tried to force those opinions on me. I don't have a problem with people holding different opinions providing they extend the courtesy to me. For example, I am an atheist, my best friend is a deeply religious evangelical Christian. We hold vastly different views about many things as a result, but it isn't an issue, we just agree to disagree.

In terms of LJ, I've never come across the defriending issue since all my friends seem to be mature, reasonable people who don't force their opinions on others or tke unnecessary offence at anything.

[aerama.livejournal.com]

I've defriended a couple people in the past based on just never reading their journals after awhile, because interests can vary over time and those big Friending Frenzies can tend to style over substance.

And I was defriended at least once because someone up and friended me from another friend's journal - and I didn't really want to friend back just like that, because I barely knew them, so I took the passive route and did nothing. Eventually they defriended me because of that. Which was totally fine, but the whole experience was a bit odd.

The last two questions gave me pause, and I wasn't really sure which option to pick. If I knew there was someone sitting out there who deeply and thoroughly disagreed with whatever fundamental values I had, yet never said anything about it, well...for one thing, they probably would rarely comment, and for another, now I'm feeling paranoid at being Watched From Afar. Yeek!
Where was I? - there's the "to each his own" clause, of course, and not expecting every person to comment every single time...but part of the fun of LJ is finding that the little groups we formed were initially based on one or two things in common, that then led to finding out other things in common, and so forth and so on until it's closer to RL than before.

It's like when you look around in RL itself and realize, "My goodness, half my friends are goths, and they all like RenFaires and are computer geeks/techies and exchange recipes and drink absinthe. As do I. How'd that happen?"

And yet of course there can be deeply fundamental differences within all of those similarities too. I guess unless someone were to be belligerent or worse about it, maybe it makes no difference to me at all. Hmm. I'll have to think on this.

[aerama.livejournal.com]

As an ETA to my last paragraph, I think I don't have belligerent or worse people on my flist! *hides within manageable flist*

[st-aurafina.livejournal.com]

'Friending' is such a difficult term - I don't feel bad about unsubscribing to a blog I'm not enjoying, but defriending sounds so harsh. I don't mind wildly opposing opinions on my flist - I do mind if they're being shoved down my throat, so I guess it does depend on the person. I don't want to be cheerfully scrolling through my flist and read a venomous rant, no matter what group of people it's directed at.

[krisomniac.livejournal.com]

I think that, except for a small core group of friends, I don't take LJ "friend" lists as seriously as most people around here, you know?

I figure anyone is free to include me or not, and I am them, although with that handful of people I'd be very disappointed to be dropped -- even if I don't always agree with them 100%.

[frankymole.livejournal.com]

The only defriending I remember was a mutual bust-up with a (soon to be ex-) lover. Everyone else can say what they want to me!

[pandorasblog]

I've defriended a lot, but it's almost always due to the flist getting too big/people being less interesting to me than the amount of interests we have in common would suggest.

There's been a few I've defriended for personal reasons. One person did drugs every weekend, boo-hooed about their bad trips and then did the same thing all over again. I find it extremely hard to watch healthy people screw up their bodies when I didn't get a choice about mine, so I defriended her.

Another time, there was a girl I'd been quite close to at one time who gradually wore me down. She'd made a few very entitled statements about stuff like race and class and politics, and she'd spent about a year seeming to hate her boyfriend yet not finishing with him. It made me uncomfortable to see her trash him all the time, go on and on about how she would leave him, yet not end things. I just don't GET that stuff.

I got defriended last year in a context that made me think it must be personal; that's the only time I've ever been hurt by it. I never found out what had offended the person about me, but a mutual friend said he tended to get bad moods at people. Then there was someone in an RP group who friended everyone else in that group except me - she talked to me normally enough on IM, yet snubbed me when I asked her about it. Again, someone who'd known her for longer told me that it was just her way and to ignore it.

I didn't realise it happened more at this time of year... figures, though. Summer crossover season + summer blockbusters = arguments in fandom. Plus for the last few years we've had a new HP book out, which has probably been the cue for some bust-ups.

[swythyv.livejournal.com]

I'm too sleepy to have an argument. Too sleepy to read, too sleepy to react, too sleepy to respond, mostly. Which is why most people hardly know I'm there anyway. ;)

When other people argue on other people's LJ's, I mostly think "Why don't you all take a nap? You'll feel better."
And then I take it for them. It's my little way of helping.

:D

PS I may have been mistaken. I think I did "de-friend" someone once, who was writing a lot of posts that were hard to read. I sent her a note and told her I was bookmarking her instead, so I could check in on a monthly basis. I never did figure out the LJ bits that would likely help with that.

Here from Swythyv's journal-

[mary-j-59.livejournal.com]

As I said above, I won't tolerate hatemongering. People who do that - who say that other human beings are inferior or not worthy to live - really wouldn't be welcome. They have, of course, a perfect right to their opinions, but I don't want to hear them.

So - "differing opinions" - it really would depend on what those opinions were. There are some things (politics, music, food, religion, even - and maybe even whether someone loved or hated Deathly Hallows!) that people can reasonably disagree on. But there are some others that are nonnegotiable as far as I'm concerned.

Just my two cents. I hope you don't mind my jumping in; it was an interesting question.