Dolorous Ett&#39;s Bestiary

A review by the author of But You Alone, and all for me? Wow...

*Too chuffed even to squee...*

From:

...paddling happily in a saucer of olive oil.

Oh, I did enjoy that. :D There will be further chapters, I trust?

From:

Actually, I set out intending to write a one-shot, with no thought of a sequel.

Since then, I have had occasional thoughts about doing a very campy sub-Indiana Jones prequel in which Hermione and Geraint are trapped in the Pyramid of Utter Doom or whatever it's called, and their tempestuous relationship suddenly takes on a New And Surprising (NOT) dimension - but I don't know how well I could do an action fic.

The alternative would be a direct sequel to this - but I'm not sure in my own mind what Hermione's going to do next. The cat could jump either way, couldn't it?

In any case, that's for the future - I have Colin-Luna-Grawp and the Dangerous Plants of Greenhouse Thirteen to deal with first...

From:

The alternative would be a direct sequel to this - but I'm not sure in my own mind what Hermione's going to do next.

Severus?

Oh, right, you said "what." Never mind.

I just re-read HoFA, and I have to admit that now I have this insane urge to write Hermione / Snape, which I'm not going to do because it goes against one of my basic principles, namely that I don't write anything that I believe would make JKR throw up her hands and shriek "What do you think you're DOING to my characters?!?" But damn, the temptation is there.

From:

Severus?

I've thought about it. And perhaps one day, when I feel secure enough as a writer to try romance... because this has to be one of the hardest ones to do properly.

The other stumbling block to this idea is that I just can't visualise any way in which the characters as I've written them here could make anything actually happen. Though there is another kind of potential here - a long series of stories where Hermione meets a series of very desirable men, and each time a dog-in-the-manger Snape says just enough to make her unhappy and ruin it for her, but never has the stones to make a move himself until it's far too late. And after a few of those, no doubt she would start doing the same to him.

I just re-read HoFA

Ooooo! I've been Abbreviated! Kewl!

...and I have to admit that now I have this insane urge to write Hermione / Snape,

I wish you would. I think your gently ironic slant on life is just what the ship needs - there's far too much sub-Wuthering Heights heavy and humourless angst out there. And I'm convinced it doesn't have to be really disturbing kiddie porn - if it did, I wouldn't read it.

...which I'm not going to do because it goes against one of my basic principles, namely that I don't write anything that I believe would make JKR throw up her hands and shriek "What do you think you're DOING to my characters?!?" But damn, the temptation is there.

I may not be the best person to sympathise here, bearing in mind that my first completed fic was Crouch/Snitch...

Seriously, if you're treating the characters with the respect they deserve, how is it any different from writing Harry/Hermione?

From:

Oh dear. I just realized you'd sent Severus to a Tibetan monastery for a year. Now he's among the masters... and he was already graceful, silent, swoopy, and attitudinal ... ninja Snape!

Let's see. The Tibetan masters need their Awful Artifact of Ultimicity secured from its now compromised containment in the Passages of No Return, so they send... Snape!, offering rewards and threats I can sense but not see stirring in your genius. But the goblins have also taken an interest and field their own fave two operatives, one of whom shall shortly become redundant to requirements. Booyah.

My Lord. What have you done to me?

From:

Wow - that sounds halfway to a fic already...

Love the Awful Artefact of Ultimicity in the Passages of No Return! May I use them if I do ever write a sequel?

There's potential for my Dog-In-the-Manger! SS/HG arc here, though - Snape has fallen in love with a simple peasant girl who seems to be healing his broken heart, and then Hermione turns up and manages to point out in short order that the girl's completely uneducated, rather short on the personality front and - worst - appalling provincial.

Hmmm...

If you think I'm a nasty cynic, feel free to write your own sequel. I'm sure it will be nicer than mine...

From:

May I use them if I do ever write a sequel?
Why yes, I would be honored beyond my humble ability to describe. ;)

Snape has fallen in love with a simple peasant girl...
Mmm yes and the Masters can send her along with Snape, to, oh I dunno, fulfill the prophetic dictate that the Awful Artifact can only be handled safely by a person of great mystic stupidity. Perhaps she's actually an inbred pureblood finishing school dropout, parked by her family in Tibet while everyone forgets whatever boneheaded stunt embarrassed them.

Then, topping the escalating snark-storm directed at the other and their companion comes the awful revelation of just who can safely handle the Awful Artifact... and what it's worth to be rid of him/her/them.

I wouldn't call it being a nasty cynic, it's too much fun. They could have a whole series of adventures, scraping off each other's partners every time. :D

From:

Wow. Is the world ready for this?

Perhaps she's actually an inbred pureblood finishing school dropout, parked by her family in Tibet while everyone forgets whatever boneheaded stunt embarrassed them.

*boggles* Of course! Because no-one can be a heroine and be just an ordinary person. [/heavy sarcasm] Is her full name Taylor Livilla Morgana Drew Starfall Evans-Malfoy, or similar?

And as for Mystical Stupidity being the key to rescuing the artefact... it's surprising how many action movies seem to be based on that very thing (I'm thinking particularly of gongfu movies here), so I think it could be made to work...

In this form, I couldn't write it. But what an amazing idea.

From:

Is her full name Taylor Livilla Morgana Drew Starfall Evans-Malfoy?
But her folks just called her "Lumpy" because of how often she fell on her head. Oddly enough they never got round to collecting her from Tibet and one day the poor thing just wandered off. The simple peasant girl's a reasonable likeness though (she's Plan B if the folks ever show up), and she'll make Geraint a fine wife. Heck, he and little Lumpy were probably engaged as children anyway. *snorflegiggle*

Aw, c'mon, you know you want to. *whispers:* caustic, supercilious yetis.

PS Thanks for having fun with me. I don't get out much. :D

From:

Thanks for having fun with me

The pleasure is all mine.

Seriously, if I ever do take this story any further, bits of what we've been talking about may come in very useful... trouble is, I know both too much and too little about Tibet.

And Lumpy is a triumph of stupidity over survival. Well done you.

From:

I may not be the best person to sympathise here, bearing in mind that my first completed fic was Crouch/Snitch...

Hey, I wrote Godric Gryffindor / Boggart!Snape for the same challenge (well, sort of...)

Seriously, if you're treating the characters with the respect they deserve, how is it any different from writing Harry/Hermione?

Well, I have the (possibly erroneous) impression that while JKR may not be planning to write Harry / Hermione, the notion doesn't outright disgust her -- she seems to have no problem joking and teasing the fans about it. Whereas I suspect her reaction to Hermione / Snape would be more like "ACK!!!" (Not even so much because of the cross-gen thing, but because it's Snape. Funnily enough, I do think there is a very slight chance she plans to pull a Professor Bhaer with Hermione and Lupin in the epilogue, assuming that Ron doesn't survive the final battle -- she's been at some pains to establish that wizarding lifespans are long and the MWPP generation is still quite young -- and I wouldn't have any ethical objections to writing that pairing if both parties were well above the age of consent, although I don't have any particular plans to.)

In short, I'm just weird that way.

From:

Hey, I wrote Godric Gryffindor / Boggart!Snape for the same challenge (well, sort of...)

Indeed you did - I apologise for overlooking it. Though it definitely counts as a Minor Work.

Fair enough about Snape/Hermione. Though to me, plausible, canon-consistent fanfic that JKR would never even have thought of is one of my favourite, favourite things... but each to their own.

Strangely, the idea of Mr Bhaer!Remus/Hermione is one I find quite repellent. If you're going to dabble with older men and don't go for a tempestuous romance (or a very rich, elderly bridegroom, I suppose), really, what's the point?

Now before you explode with honest rage in defence of dear Mr Lupin, I don't think he's a boring man at all. Quite the reverse (how can you call a werewolf boring?). But the idea of him coming over all Mr Bhaer and criticising Hermione's novels etc brings me out in a rash.

While we're on the subject of Snape not getting the girl, is it me, or was there a distinct tinge of sexual jealousy in his attitude to Tonks?

From:

... in The Purloined Prophetess?

From:

It's not you :) It was very deliberate, although I rather regret it now, since it was practically handing a load of ammo to one particular reader who thought I was Mary-Suing Tonks.

In my defense, I have always suspected Snape of having an unrequited crush on at least one of the Black sisters (and not Lily like the rest of the fandom thinks), and I think he's less interested in Tonks-as-Tonks than in Tonks-as-daughter-of-the-House-of-Black.

From:

Someone accused your Tonks of being a Mary Sue? Had she actually read the story at all? I'm baffled, and not in a good way.

In my defense, I have always suspected Snape of having an unrequited crush on at least one of the Black sisters (and not Lily like the rest of the fandom thinks)

I do NOT think Snape had a crush on Lily. Why on earth should he? Hogwarts was presumably full of pretty girls - and a fair few might even have been nice too. Not to mention the obvious differences of birth, or the fact that her taste runs to James Potter (which I think would cause Snape to lose any interest, due to her shocking lack of taste), etc etc etc.

I also think it's tacky.

I think he's less interested in Tonks-as-Tonks than in Tonks-as-daughter-of-the-House-of-Black.

An angle I'd missed, I confess. How very queasy-making. And quite plausible, as you wrote Snape and Tonks in that story.

From:

Someone accused your Tonks of being a Mary Sue? Had she actually read the story at all?

She had; it was actually a fairly detailed, and not entirely negative, review, and I have to give her props because she cited examples. (Unfortunately, a lot of them were examples of things that Aurors canonically have to be good at, so I can only assume that Nobody-In-Their-Right-Mind-Would-Make-Her-An-Auror!Tonks is so solidly ingrained in the fandom that some people believe it's canon.)

Oh hell, who am I kidding? If Remus had ended up snogging Jack Evans instead, I'm sure he would be the one who got labeled a Gary Stu. (In fact, I'm surprised that nobody ever HAS made that comment about Jack, but I guess being male, married, and overweight is pretty much a Mary Sue Hunter-Repelling Charm.)

From:

ignipes.livejournal.com

I really don't have a clue about attracting squeeing fangirls, do I?

Well, that depends on what sort of fangirls you want. If you want the ones who leave reviews like: OMG GUH this izteh hawtest thing EVA!!!111! RIGHT MORE! rglhsrvl;ervjkl...well, then, you're probably on the wrong track. (It took me about five minutes to type that. It's damn hard work pretending to be a squeeing fangirl.)

I adored the artichoke story, and I'm looking forward to reading this one, as well. :)

From: