Hai!

[dolorous_ett]

I recently watched House of Flying Daggers at the cinema. It's got lots of very famous actors, it had a good summary and was getting quite high publicity. And it's in Chinese - and it's not every day I get to watch a real Chinese film at a real cinema. I thought I was in for a treat.

And I daresay I would have enjoyed it if I could have disengaged my brain. It was visually gorgeous, but th plot was daft even by gongfu (kungfu) movie standards (to the point where I missed several important clues because I just thought the script writer was being stupid). I know that's not the point about these films - they are meant to be exciting and visually arresting - and they were - but I kept on cursing the extreme stupidity of the things these people were trying to do, and their ludicrous methods of trying to attain their goals.

About halfway through the film I thought of the Evil Overlord list (for those of you who aren't familiar with this little gem, it can be found here), which inspired me to prepare a list of handy survival tips for anyone planning a jaunt into Gongfu Movie Land.

1. Do not fall in love with Zhang Ziyi. She’s very pretty, but it inevitably leads to certain death.
2. Do not adopt a disguise that you cannot sustain. For example, if you are pretending to be blind, do not run through a forest without bumping into any trees, and then expect no-one to notice.
3. A sudden change in weather conditions (such as snow showers, or a wind that blows all the leaves from the trees) is a sure sign of impending tragedy. Drop whatever you are doing, and run for your life.
4. For the same reason, if you hear a high female voice singing a plaintive melody in a keening voice, fate is about to take a hand, in a scene of heart-rending drama. Don't stop to gather up your possessions - leg it.
5. Your chances of winning a one-on-one fight are about 50%. However, you are almost certain to win a fight against four or more people at the same time. For this reason, try to ensure that you are heavily outnumbered at the start of all your fights.
6. For the same reason, do not pick on somebody just because everyone else is doing it and you are feeling bored.
7. Do not take the fight to a bamboo grove. It will only cause you to tire more quickly, and to no obvious purpose.
8. If you sustain a glancing blow, lie on the floor, do not get up and rejoin the fight. The worst that will happen to you if you lie on the floor is being trodden on. If you pick yourself up and start fighting, you might actually get yourself killed.
9. If everyone thinks you are dead, stay down. If you stagger to your feet and try to throw something with your last strength, your aim is likely to be impaired, and all you will achieve is that your opponent will come over and finish you off properly.
10. While heroic self-sacrifice is admirable, try to avoid completely pointless heroic self-sacrifice. A few minutes’ consideration of your options might actually result in your sacrifice being of some use to your allies.
11. Do not enter a teahouse, brothel or restaurant unless you are fully prepared for a fight. This is particularly true when the establishment has more than one floor.
12. Make sure to wash your hair before setting out on a Quest. Even if you normally tie your hair back in a bun or queue, it’s certain to come down in the closing scenes, which is just when you need to look your best. Only villains have greasy hair.
13. Before falling passionately and hopelessly in love with someone who has devoted their life to fighting against you, ask yourself whether there is not someone equally good-looking whose world view is more compatible with yours.
14. Never use an intelligible term when there is an outdated literary expression that you could use instead. To do otherwise would only confuse people.
15. If someone gives you a piece of sensible, practicable advice about your personal safety, at least consider doing what they tell you.
16. If you find yourself in possession of a valuable cultural artefact or memento of a much-loved dead relative, leave it in a secure place, such as a safe deposit box at your bank. If it is absolutely essential that you bring the item along, take sensible precautions to avoid losing it or dropping it. That way you will not have to place yourself or your companions in mortal peril when you go back to retrieve it.
17. Whoever you engage in a drinking bout with is going to end up telling you his or her life story, and you will then become closer than brothers (or sisters). In fact, this may result in you having to sacrifice your life for this person later on. So think twice before accepting a drink from a smiling stranger.

If anyone can add anything to this list, I'd love to hear from them. I'm convinced that those poor people need all the help we can give them.

Comments

[lareinenoire.livejournal.com]

::bursts out laughing::

Thank you! I'm not the only person who had that reaction to House of Flying Daggers! Very pretty, but an utter logistical nightmare!

18. Communication is key. Talk to one another.
19. Sometimes running away really is the answer. Really. We mean it.

And what's this about greasy hair? ::points at Snape icon and smirks::

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

And I'm glad I wasn't the only one to have that reaction too! I think Westerners watching this kind of film tend to be far too charitable and assume that the plot makes no sense to them because they don't get the background culture. When actually the plot just doesn't make any sense.

And what's this about greasy hair? ::points at Snape icon and smirks::

Ah, well Snape is another kettle of fish altogether. He was raised in a harsh and exacting school, which makes him lousy company down the pub, but exactly the kind of person you'd want as backup in situations like this - because he actually knows how to fight. He could have that bunch of amateurs for breakfast.

That said, I don't think JKR has any plans to make Snape the hero - that's fanon's job. And I think the greasy hair could well be a pointer to show that this man is not meant to be a hero - or at the very least, not lovable.

[hannahmarder.livejournal.com]

That was very funny, it had me laughing out loud! I've not seen House of the Flying Daggers but I did see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and the same advice would have been useful there. From that I would add to the list;
20. Never dismiss the beautiful, virginal, innocent princess/nobleman's daughter, and certainly don't trust her with your highly valuable magic sword. She is almost certainly a criminal mastermind. At the very least she can hold her own in a fight.

[lareinenoire.livejournal.com]

I think Westerners watching this kind of film tend to be far too charitable and assume that the plot makes no sense to them because they don't get the background culture. When actually the plot just doesn't make any sense.

I rarely do that. Then again, I also refuse to like James Joyce. The man doesn't make sense. And he's boring, to boot. /rant

With Snape...I adore Snape. From the bottom of my heart, I really do. He's snarky, he's unpleasant, and he's bloody effective. And while I certainly don't see him as a 'hero' per se, he's definitely got my 'anti-hero' vote.

[hannahmarder.livejournal.com]

I also refuse to like James Joyce. The man doesn't make sense. And he's boring, to boot. /rant

Word. It's so refreshing to find someone who agrees with my opinion on Joyce. I read Ulysses recently and I hated it. I don't care what symbolism and so on there is in it, I didn't get any pleasure out of reading it at all. When I read those translated song lyrics on you LJ yesterday I was strongly reminded of James Joyce - they made very little sense, and random foreign/ made-up words were interspersed.

I adore Snape. From the bottom of my heart, I really do.

We agree on a lot of things! He's probably my top favourite character in the books.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

Count me in as well! But I like the unexpurgated, mean-spirited, complex version, not SuddenlyGorgeous!Snape, Dashing!Snape, BigPussycatUnderneath!Snape, MisunderstoodChild!Snape, IHaveALovelySpunkyDaughter!Snape or (worst of all)InteriorDecoratingGod!Snape.

Charmingly whimsical as JKR's world is, it's good to have at least one unapologetically sour character to clear the palate.

And he would be useful to have at your back in the fight - the fact that he doesn't respond to cheerful whimsy, and that he his fond of homing in on unpleasant truths other people want to avoid, both of these would give him a real advantage.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

Ah, I'd forgotten the virginal innocent who turns out to be a very talented fighter.

As you do.

Of course, you have to balance this out against the fact that she may well be barking mad, and have a Hidden Agenda of great compelxity (not to mention idiocy).

[lareinenoire.livejournal.com]

InteriorDecoratingGod!Snape? I don't think I've ever seen that particular...

::pauses::

I just had a rather awful-but-funny flash of Snape hosting 'Trading Spaces'.

Anyway...all terrifying tangents aside, I will admit, one of my favourite Snapefics is an epic SS/HG featuring a fantastically angsty Snape. But what's worth noting is that the author makes very clear that we're seeing Snape from a specific perspectve. Whenever Snape is shown from anyone's perspective that isn't Hermione, he's...well...normal. As in snarky and unpleasant.

That and it's just very well-written. I'd never have even considered the ship before reading it. It's also the only SS/HG that I've been able to read.

I just write StrangelyHonourable!Snape. He's mean, he's snarky, he's a downright bastard sometimes, but he always keeps his word. Of course, this is Snape at sixteen, during the First War, so I think there's a bit of wiggle room as far as personality is concerned.

InteriorDecoratingGod!Snape

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

If you've ever had to do with Snape/Hermione fics in any quantity (they are one of my guilty pleasures), you will certainly have encountered InteriorDecoratingGod!Snape, if not by that name.

We see this phenomenon when Hermione strays into Snape's quarters on some pretext and is Pleasantly Impressed. The writer then takes multiple paragraphs to lech over his decor. Oh, the roaring open fire; oh the artfully scattered faded but valuable rugs; oh the cases full of enticing, leather-bound books that show how rounded and cultural the man is; oh the elderly but comfortable chairs strategically placed; oh the selection of intriguing and yet distinctly masculine ornaments; oh the thick velvet wall-hangings and draperies (which sometimes are not even green!

And so on and so on. You get the general picture.

The odd writer even does it well. But it's certainly a cliche.

Re: InteriorDecoratingGod!Snape

[hannahmarder.livejournal.com]

Now you mention it, I've seen that too. The open roaring fire is especially important, as it shows Snape's true Gryffindor leanings - he doesn't really like damp Slytherinny dungeons at all! I've seen it in non-SS/HG as well; basically, any fic where the writer wants to show that Snape is different from what we've been led to believe. Like you say, it's not that great a sin, and has been done well, but it is a bit of a cliche.

Re: InteriorDecoratingGod!Snape

[lareinenoire.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, yes, I think I've run across that before. It usually ends with wild, passionate sex on the leather-upholstered chair or something...

::giggles::

Quite frankly, I really have to assume the Slytherin common room has a nice open roaring fire as well. How else would you keep all those poor Slytherins from catching hypothermia?

Re: InteriorDecoratingGod!Snape

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

Quite frankly, I really have to assume the Slytherin common room has a nice open roaring fire as well. How else would you keep all those poor Slytherins from catching hypothermia?

What do you think all those early arranged marriages are for? To help them keep warm, of course!