dolorous_ett | Hai! (Reply)

I recently watched House of Flying Daggers at the cinema. It's got lots of very famous actors, it had a good summary and was getting quite high publicity. And it's in Chinese - and it's not every day I get to watch a real Chinese film at a real cinema. I thought I was in for a treat.

And I daresay I would have enjoyed it if I could have disengaged my brain. It was visually gorgeous, but th plot was daft even by gongfu (kungfu) movie standards (to the point where I missed several important clues because I just thought the script writer was being stupid). I know that's not the point about these films - they are meant to be exciting and visually arresting - and they were - but I kept on cursing the extreme stupidity of the things these people were trying to do, and their ludicrous methods of trying to attain their goals.

About halfway through the film I thought of the Evil Overlord list (for those of you who aren't familiar with this little gem, it can be found here), which inspired me to prepare a list of handy survival tips for anyone planning a jaunt into Gongfu Movie Land.

1. Do not fall in love with Zhang Ziyi. She’s very pretty, but it inevitably leads to certain death.
2. Do not adopt a disguise that you cannot sustain. For example, if you are pretending to be blind, do not run through a forest without bumping into any trees, and then expect no-one to notice.
3. A sudden change in weather conditions (such as snow showers, or a wind that blows all the leaves from the trees) is a sure sign of impending tragedy. Drop whatever you are doing, and run for your life.
4. For the same reason, if you hear a high female voice singing a plaintive melody in a keening voice, fate is about to take a hand, in a scene of heart-rending drama. Don't stop to gather up your possessions - leg it.
5. Your chances of winning a one-on-one fight are about 50%. However, you are almost certain to win a fight against four or more people at the same time. For this reason, try to ensure that you are heavily outnumbered at the start of all your fights.
6. For the same reason, do not pick on somebody just because everyone else is doing it and you are feeling bored.
7. Do not take the fight to a bamboo grove. It will only cause you to tire more quickly, and to no obvious purpose.
8. If you sustain a glancing blow, lie on the floor, do not get up and rejoin the fight. The worst that will happen to you if you lie on the floor is being trodden on. If you pick yourself up and start fighting, you might actually get yourself killed.
9. If everyone thinks you are dead, stay down. If you stagger to your feet and try to throw something with your last strength, your aim is likely to be impaired, and all you will achieve is that your opponent will come over and finish you off properly.
10. While heroic self-sacrifice is admirable, try to avoid completely pointless heroic self-sacrifice. A few minutes’ consideration of your options might actually result in your sacrifice being of some use to your allies.
11. Do not enter a teahouse, brothel or restaurant unless you are fully prepared for a fight. This is particularly true when the establishment has more than one floor.
12. Make sure to wash your hair before setting out on a Quest. Even if you normally tie your hair back in a bun or queue, it’s certain to come down in the closing scenes, which is just when you need to look your best. Only villains have greasy hair.
13. Before falling passionately and hopelessly in love with someone who has devoted their life to fighting against you, ask yourself whether there is not someone equally good-looking whose world view is more compatible with yours.
14. Never use an intelligible term when there is an outdated literary expression that you could use instead. To do otherwise would only confuse people.
15. If someone gives you a piece of sensible, practicable advice about your personal safety, at least consider doing what they tell you.
16. If you find yourself in possession of a valuable cultural artefact or memento of a much-loved dead relative, leave it in a secure place, such as a safe deposit box at your bank. If it is absolutely essential that you bring the item along, take sensible precautions to avoid losing it or dropping it. That way you will not have to place yourself or your companions in mortal peril when you go back to retrieve it.
17. Whoever you engage in a drinking bout with is going to end up telling you his or her life story, and you will then become closer than brothers (or sisters). In fact, this may result in you having to sacrifice your life for this person later on. So think twice before accepting a drink from a smiling stranger.