A little poll on university relationships, to set the ball rolling after a long break

[dolorous_ett]

Reading [Poll #1445453][Poll #1445453]

Comments

[tree_and_leaf]

You haven't got a box for 'not in a long term relationship at the moment'! You're oppressing me! *g*

I think it's not implausible, but then I was an undergraduate at St Andrews, and St Andreans are a notoriously incestuous bunch...

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

*grinds you under my jackbooted heel*

Sorry about that - but I didn't want people not in long-term relationships to not answer the poll! The only thing that would really interest me with Q1 would be if everyone answered "Yes" and I was proved wrong - which could happen, at that. It's possible that I was influenced by the fact that people who study my discipline are notoriously bad-tempered and unstable loners!

[tree_and_leaf]

I suspect there may genuinely be variation from institution to institution, and across disciplines....

[pennswoods.livejournal.com]

DH and I met in the same Ph.D. program. So while I did meet my special someone at university, it was probably because my entire life revolves around higher education.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

Wow... that's a truly impressive way to guarantee that you'll never run out of topics of conversation!

I don't believe I've run into someone who got a long-term partner out of a PhD - I'm used to thinking of it as being more a relationship-splitter! Then again, I do know someone who ended up in a fairly serious relationship with their supervisor...

[pennswoods.livejournal.com]

LOL! This is true. We will always have our crazy students to bitch about. :P Seriously, it's been wonderful being able to support each other through the dissertation and now tenure process.

I cannot imagine how one negotiates a serious romantic/personal relationship with one's academic supervisor. That just seems fraught with all sorts of misalignment in power.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with you - it's hard to imagine how one could ever get over that. Though perhaps some people just like it like that? *shudders at the thought*

[white_hart]

I met topicaltim because he worked at the same place as a friend of mine and she had arranged to meet some colleagues at the pub one Friday night.

However, I do know a lot of people who are in relationships with people they met at university. I wonder if this goes hand in hand with people who stay in the same town/city where they were at university, as per my poll from last week - I think there are a lot of people who maintain their university social group well into adult life.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

I really should have put "through friends" on that list - and if I ever work out how to edit polls once posted, I shall do so!

A lot of the really good relationships I know started out that way - I suppose it's the natural way to get your partner vetted before you set out...

[azurelunatic]

One can't. The only way is to start a new poll.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

Useful to know - thanks for keeping me in the picture!

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

One in five sounds very plausible to me, but then, I'm American and I suspect people here tend to pair off at an earlier age.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

I'm American and I suspect people here tend to pair off at an earlier age.

I'd never thought of it in that way, but as soon as I read this, I could immediately think of several good reasons why you might be right.

And I do belong to a subgroup of Brits who do tend to pair off late, anyway, I suspect (mardy and over-educated). Very few of my friends are married.

[shui-long.livejournal.com]

Rather a long time ago, when I was at Cambridge, a high proportion of my immediate circle of friends had paired off; a number of weddings followed shortly after graduation. But I suspect this was not wholly representative, if only because that was in the dark ages when there were 20 or so men's colleges, and only 3 women's colleges (plus the teacher-training college at Homerton), so the overall ratio was not favourable.

[shui-long.livejournal.com]

PS. Welcome back - hope your travels went well.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

And thank you - very well indeed!

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

It reminds me of a place I used to teach, where the English department was almost entirely female.

The male students of other departments (predominantly male) used to envy the English department student for "living in a park full of beautiful flowers". The response of the male English dept students was usually along the lines of "Just like a park: Pick the flowers and you get fined!"

Sorry - the joke does lose something in translation. But you would see similar patterns there.

[pandorasblog]

One in five - hard to say. I know a lot of students or former students, but a lot of them are single, and of those who aren't, a lot met their partners online because a lot of them are LJ/fannish types. For a lot of people, the internet ends up being in some way the cultural equivalent of university, in the sense of mixing with people of different backgrounds, nationalities and cultures. That's definitely been the case for me.

There's also the fact that in Northern Ireland, a lot of people go to uni elsewhere in the UK, but return home to work later. OH! Something I just remembered: a friend I went to school with (she's about to marry a guy who's also from here, but they actually met at the school in England where they both teach) was recently incredulous when she told me that people from our year at school are all marrying each other! Okay, not all, but enough for her to be amazed at the frequency with which it happens. And when you consider that a lot of these people would've gone to different universities over the water, and ended up working in different places (a common complaint is that people want to live back here but can't afford the house prices), it IS a striking pattern...

As for me, I met the person who would become my partner on a movie messageboard seven years ago - a bunch of people from there became friends, got blogs, IMed each other, had romances, met up (in that order), split up, had romances with different people... and some of them have become housemates, too. The funny thing is that when my boyfriend first arrived on that board, he posted a picture of himself and I just thought, DAMN, attractive goth guy. Wouldn't that be interesting... having no notion of where it would all lead!! :D

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

And when you consider that a lot of these people would've gone to different universities over the water, and ended up working in different places (a common complaint is that people want to live back here but can't afford the house prices), it IS a striking pattern...

I spent some time with VSO, and you see a similar pattern there as well - ex-VSOs marry each other, but in-service VSO relationships mostly don't last the course. I think it's because the time you spent away from home gets more valuable when you come back, and people start finding they want someone around who can understand without hours of explanations...

You met on a message board? That's a very romantic thing - meeting of true minds and that. (and I don't think you're the only one on my flist either - with hindsight I'd have done well to put in a ticky box for that on my poll...)

Oh, and icon love, by the way.

[pandorasblog]

I was just looking at the VSO website; that must have been a really interesting experience! I can well imagine how ex-VSOs would tend to marry each other.

I would guess the desirability of the 'not having to explain for hours' thing is also true for Third Culture Kids. A local friend who lived in Nepal until she was nine recently married a Dutch guy who grew up in (I think) Nigeria. Different countries of origin and destination, but that distinctive experience of growing up/identifying with two places, and relating to each in a different way from people who have only ever lived there, must make it very reassuring to find someone who just *gets* it.

[pandorasblog]

Oh, and thanks - it's by duskcolor, and I heart her photography so much!

[snorkackcatcher]

Depends on how long-term the figure is -- if it means that people tend to form a serious relationship at uni and then move in together after they leave, one in five sounds reasonable, possibly even on the low side. However, a lot of those relationships will presumably fizzle out within a year or two.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

I hadn't thought of that. Enlightening. And very convincing.

[trickofthedark.livejournal.com]

I don't hardly know anyone from university who ended up with an ex-classmate

I'm married to a man who I was good friends with at university. So you know me.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

I do know you! And it sounds like you picked a really good university friend, as well!

[azurelunatic]

If my best friend were amenable to pairing off, that's where I met him. (As he's not, he's an excellent best friend, and I'm exploring exciting options in becoming an old maid.)

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

Being an old maid is fun and cool, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! You get to do lots of things that you want, and have independence and space. I'm still not quite sure why I'm not one... seem to have got diverted along the way...

*cheers you on*

[azurelunatic]

20 years of my life is enough time to devote to a husband-hunt. I think I might be through.

[lyras.livejournal.com]

For the last question: his best friend from school married my best friend from school.

Tangentially, I and my previous boyfriend (although I tend not to count him in my boyfriend history, as I was only going out with him because I had a weak moment one night and, um, failed to dump him for a while) got my best friend from school together with the bloke she then married...at which point I got together with his best friend. If that makes any sense.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

With the aid of a pen and paper, and a few minutes of careful thought, yes, it does make complete sense!

Also, weddings are contagious. Q's best British friend got married a year and a half ago, and his best man and one of her bridesmaids are both getting hitched! (not to each other, I don't think, but the friend is from a huge extensive family and I tuned out in the middle of her explanation...)

[vivien]

Twenty-one years ago I met my husband at our former college. We started dating a few weeks later and have been together ever since! We have dear friends who met a few years before that at the same college and are still together. So yeah, I think it's plausible. ;-)

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

Twenty-one years? That's pretty impressive - and very romantic! *admires*

[zaftig46.livejournal.com]

Mmm, I dunno. It depends on the discipline, probably. Mine was and is an overwhelmingly female one, with the few men being gay, so unless the students were very active in other kinds of activities at school, then maybe. As it is, I can't think of anyone in my circle of friends who met their SO at uni.

I met mine online, which I put down as coincidence! :-)

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

I really should have put in a ticky box for "Internet" - that's at least 4 people I know who found their SO by electronic means! It sounds like a really good way to meet people who think like you, as well.