We've had Snape's Worst Memory...

[dolorous_ett]

...now who can help me find Snape's Worst Excuse
for taking out Dumbledore?

I can't think of anything more original than things like:

"Sorry, Headmaster, I didn't see you there..."

"I'm just pretending to be evil, you know - what's the matter with you people?"

"I'm sorry - it was a sudden muscular twitch. I get them a lot when I'm under stress."

"I just read the spell in an old book I found somewhere - how was I to know something like that was going to happen?"

I'm sure some of my talented readers can come up with something much better than these, and I'd love to hear them!

There are a lot of really quite good excuses for Snape around at the moment. What I'm looking for, however, are incredibly lame ones.

Comments

[dreamer-marie.livejournal.com]

I thought that "I thought Potter was a Dark Wizard when he came to Hogwarts" was already really lame. I mean, come on, a Dark wizard of eleven year old? Surely Snape's not that thick?

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

True, very true.

Surely Snape's not that thick?

No, but perhaps he thinks Bellatrix might be...

[dreamer-marie.livejournal.com]

Well, if a lot of Death Eaters thought it, then I suspect that they're not the top of the cauldron. I personally don't think that Bellatrix is very intelligent. Mad, yes, though she was rather disturbingly sane in HBP. Dangerous, yes. But have we ever seen her doing something intelligent?
No, I think that Death Eaters are a bit stupid, or they would not blindly obey Voldemort (I mean, they don't even know how he became immortal, and they're not suspicious of him. He keeps changing favourites, and all they do is fight among themselves to become the next favourite, instead of wondering why he does it). Well, OK, Snape, Bellatrix and now Malfoy had the sense of learning Occlumency. But for the rest...

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

As Snape himself pointed out, they couldn't take out six trespassing teenagers. Which leads one to suppose that the entry qualifications for Death Eating are not particularly high.

[dreamer-marie.livejournal.com]

Yep, fanon always goes on and on about really difficult tests to join the Death Eaters, but I think it's very easy to get in, and impossible to get out. Voldemort will lure them promising them all sort of things, and once they have the Dark Mark he snatches the chocolate box away. Then I suppose he asks them to do something really difficult and illegal (like getting Death Eaters into Hogwarts and killing Dumbledore for Malfoy), and if they fail they get AK'ed (I guess that's what happened to Regulus Black). So they can't leave anymore because if they do they get thown in Azkaban, and they are in his service forever. I suspect the devotion of the Death Eaters to Voldemort is nothing more than Stockholm Syndrome.

[dizzy-chisel.livejournal.com]

I thought that "I thought Potter was a Dark Wizard when he came to Hogwarts" was already really lame. I mean, come on, a Dark wizard of eleven year old?

Even though it was for Bellatrix' benefit, let's not forget that at least according to Sirius or Remus (book 5, after Harry looks in Snape's Pensieve), Snape came to school at 11 covered "over both ears in Dark magic".

[dreamer-marie.livejournal.com]

Yes, but he knew that Harry lived with Muggles and had no access to magic lore.

[ignipes.livejournal.com]

"I thought I was saying 'Abracadabra'."

"I didn't think it would hurt him! He looked like a zombie already!"

"When I was fifteen, he took fifty points from Slytherin when he caught me sneaking into the girls' Quidditch locker room."

"It wasn't me. Haven't you ever heard of Polyjuice Potion, you dunderheads?"

"Dibs on that sparkly silver intrument-thingy-majigger he's got on his desk."

"I hate lemon drops."

"I thought he was Ron Weasley. You know, from the future. Or something."

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

*snerk* to all. Much better than mine!

[ignipes.livejournal.com]

"I was just thinning out the old and infirm from the herd. Nature, red in tooh and claw."

"Potions? Defence? I want to teach Herbology!"

"Oh, please. I'm just enabling the next step on the hero's quest. Don't blame me for the archetype."

"He gave me oily hair shampoo for Christmas."

"He's a vampire. He'll be back."

"Giving the House Cup to Gryffindor six years ago was a really rotten thing to do."

"My therapist told me I need to start taking control of my life."

"If I told you, what the hell would you write fanfiction about for the next three years?"

"I AM THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

All great, but the prize has to go to

"Potions? Defence? I want to teach Herbology!"

[conuly]

I love you. Please, sir, may I have some more?

[snorkackcatcher]

"I was aiming to miss and - um, missed."

"I thought I was using one of those pestilential Weasley twins' fake wands."

"It was only supposed to leave him with a scar!"

"I was under the effects of Imperius. Or Liquor of Jacmel or something." :)

"I've got rid of him for you, Minerva - it's all yours now, my little love tabby!"

"Look, it's dark up here! How was I supposed to tell it wasn't an intruder? Oh right, Legilimency. Damn, forgor about that. Well, anyone can make a mistake, eh?"

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

Lovely! Particularly liked the "pestilential Weasleys" and their fake wands - and Minerva as "my little love tabby" - what a terrifying image!

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

I had a complete mental fugue... AK-ed Dumbledore, you say?

Fanon!Snape: Oh, that was my evil twin. Canon!Snape.

It was Lucius Malfoy using Polyjuice.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

All too true about the fanon/canon thing... ah well.

And kudos for getting Lucius Malfoy doing something horrible when it isn't even in canon - for some reason, this pleases me very much.

[hannahmarder.livejournal.com]

"I just read the spell in an old book I found somewhere - how was I to know something like that was going to happen?"

That's the best of the lot. I can't believe how dense Harry was using those spells - he was seriously considering trying out Sectusempra on McLaggen in the corridor.

Lame excuses:
- It was the only way to resolve our love triangle with Professor McGonagall.

- Now I've got the DADA job, I've had to set my sights on the Headship

- People kept shipping me with him - I couldn't take the risk of it becoming canon!

- You mean he doesn't just burst into flames and get reborn like a phoenix?

- Dumbledore? I thought it was Voldemort wearing a wig!

- I have four words for you. The Hogwarts School Song.

Great idea, dolourous_ett!

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

Since I work at a university, I have a particular soft spot for Snape "setting his sights on the Headship" - such people really do exist - though to be fair, they don't usually practice Dark magic on their foes in front of witnesses. But I think your four little words win the prize.

[anna-kat.livejournal.com]

"Take that, James!"

"Take that, Sirius!"